Jason and I had a talk today, just now, about purity. And, more specifically, me wanting to strive for it.
I'm not really sure what will come of this new pursuit in my life, but I'm eager to conquer impurity and claim purity as victory. I don't know how that battle will go, but it's something that has needed to happen for a long time now.
And as I've been saying lately, "If it's something I could be working on, maybe it's something I should be working on."
Pray for me, please.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Bittersweet Symphony
I know that my other blog is the one which typically features music quotes as titles, but today is a bittersweet symphony for my life.
For a long time in my life, now, I have been struggling. Mainly, struggling with the joy of Jesus Christ. I have so longed for the joyfully fulfilling presence and blessing of Jesus in my life. This is a struggle that has led to many things: sin, prayer, frustrations, tears, awful curse words, a pouring over and over the scriptures looking for the blessing of Christ.
Lately, my struggle has been in my relationships with people. A few months ago, for a while, I had severe strife with a close close group of friends of mine, until it seemed like things would be turning around nearing the Aprilish time of year. The summer happened, and, pretty much, postponed all things to the start of school, at which things again went berserk beyond my control. For a while, I had joy and was managing successful relationships with these people, then I lost my joy.
Then came the anger. I was angry. For...weeks. In fact, I would almost be willing to say from the start of September until today the joy I experienced was very limited. I have felt very lonely, I have cultivated new friendships in an attempt to hold myself over in the meantime, I have suffered much in my heart and soul. My prayer was for a miracle, more or less. Forms of blessings came and went, but my anger still persisted until all I could say, all I knew any longer was that I was too angry for my own good. I was literally tearing myself up inside with my anger. I almost reached a breaking point about two weeks ago, but for fear of exposure and brokenness, I ran from it.
Then today.
Today I was broken. No, today I was shattered. The song by Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing," has been my prayer, and a personal maxim for me for MONTHS now, because things have been chaotic, or at least felt chaotic more often than not. Today, I heard it again, but it was like for the first time. Today, I sang with the song. Today, I prayed the song as my own and God shattered me. I have not been moved to tears over many things in a long time, but today I reset my clock. God reached out to me, He touched me while I was still dirty, while I was still unclean, and selfish, and crying, and hurting, and fractured, and in need, and He had love for me. God had mercy on me, on my soul, and with grace He loved me to the point of lifting up my head to see His face. The God of the universe, the God of "HEAR OH ISRAEL, THE LORD YOUR GOD. THE LORD IS ONE." That God. He loved me today. He broke me. He changed me.
My worship is fresh. My heart and spirit renewed. My love and intimacy restored. My vision clearer. Today, God loved me, broke me, and gave me a new life in Him and I DID NOT DESERVE IT!
I went to Jason, after this, and poured out appreciation and complements and gratitude, preceded only by apologies for having such a terrible attitude. Jason and I talked for a while, and I said to him that despite my work load, despite my daily tasks, he has served me in a tremendous way by allowing me to do almost NOTHING but busy work. By giving me mundane, task-oriented projects, my pride has been broken. My cockiness and self-assurance in myself has been restrained. If I was a wild, "buckin'" bronco, he harnessed me, and broke me of it, to use my cultivated talents, learned skills, and God-given gifts to be not only creative (I was already somewhat creative), but PRODUCTIVE! He was a tool in the hand of the craftsman as He chipped away at my tasteless rough edges.
And the amazing thing is, after being so broken and honest like this, God IS restoring me. He has already blessed me by allowing me the opportunity to teach again. Through Jason, again, He is now providing me the wonderful opportunity to rebuild from my brokenness to teach and preach and proclaim His Word. And I love it. I love it.
I don't pretend to think that this is the hurtle that has been holding me back from all the blessings God has for me (don't get me wrong, it just may be), but I do believe that this is a HUGE learning curve I am watching from the backside now, and God is blessing me for finally being broken before Him, in a posture of weakness. I don't even know how He did it, but I am so transformed, and expectant, and ready, and amazed, and blessed.
Thank you, God. I love you. I LOVE you.
--geoff
For a long time in my life, now, I have been struggling. Mainly, struggling with the joy of Jesus Christ. I have so longed for the joyfully fulfilling presence and blessing of Jesus in my life. This is a struggle that has led to many things: sin, prayer, frustrations, tears, awful curse words, a pouring over and over the scriptures looking for the blessing of Christ.
Lately, my struggle has been in my relationships with people. A few months ago, for a while, I had severe strife with a close close group of friends of mine, until it seemed like things would be turning around nearing the Aprilish time of year. The summer happened, and, pretty much, postponed all things to the start of school, at which things again went berserk beyond my control. For a while, I had joy and was managing successful relationships with these people, then I lost my joy.
Then came the anger. I was angry. For...weeks. In fact, I would almost be willing to say from the start of September until today the joy I experienced was very limited. I have felt very lonely, I have cultivated new friendships in an attempt to hold myself over in the meantime, I have suffered much in my heart and soul. My prayer was for a miracle, more or less. Forms of blessings came and went, but my anger still persisted until all I could say, all I knew any longer was that I was too angry for my own good. I was literally tearing myself up inside with my anger. I almost reached a breaking point about two weeks ago, but for fear of exposure and brokenness, I ran from it.
Then today.
Today I was broken. No, today I was shattered. The song by Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing," has been my prayer, and a personal maxim for me for MONTHS now, because things have been chaotic, or at least felt chaotic more often than not. Today, I heard it again, but it was like for the first time. Today, I sang with the song. Today, I prayed the song as my own and God shattered me. I have not been moved to tears over many things in a long time, but today I reset my clock. God reached out to me, He touched me while I was still dirty, while I was still unclean, and selfish, and crying, and hurting, and fractured, and in need, and He had love for me. God had mercy on me, on my soul, and with grace He loved me to the point of lifting up my head to see His face. The God of the universe, the God of "HEAR OH ISRAEL, THE LORD YOUR GOD. THE LORD IS ONE." That God. He loved me today. He broke me. He changed me.
My worship is fresh. My heart and spirit renewed. My love and intimacy restored. My vision clearer. Today, God loved me, broke me, and gave me a new life in Him and I DID NOT DESERVE IT!
I went to Jason, after this, and poured out appreciation and complements and gratitude, preceded only by apologies for having such a terrible attitude. Jason and I talked for a while, and I said to him that despite my work load, despite my daily tasks, he has served me in a tremendous way by allowing me to do almost NOTHING but busy work. By giving me mundane, task-oriented projects, my pride has been broken. My cockiness and self-assurance in myself has been restrained. If I was a wild, "buckin'" bronco, he harnessed me, and broke me of it, to use my cultivated talents, learned skills, and God-given gifts to be not only creative (I was already somewhat creative), but PRODUCTIVE! He was a tool in the hand of the craftsman as He chipped away at my tasteless rough edges.
And the amazing thing is, after being so broken and honest like this, God IS restoring me. He has already blessed me by allowing me the opportunity to teach again. Through Jason, again, He is now providing me the wonderful opportunity to rebuild from my brokenness to teach and preach and proclaim His Word. And I love it. I love it.
I don't pretend to think that this is the hurtle that has been holding me back from all the blessings God has for me (don't get me wrong, it just may be), but I do believe that this is a HUGE learning curve I am watching from the backside now, and God is blessing me for finally being broken before Him, in a posture of weakness. I don't even know how He did it, but I am so transformed, and expectant, and ready, and amazed, and blessed.
Thank you, God. I love you. I LOVE you.
--geoff
Friday, September 19, 2008
Genesis 5, 6, & 7
I'm continuing my study of Genesis, and this morning I was in chapters 5, 6, & 7. 5 is genealogy, 6 is Noah and the instructions for the Ark and preparations for the flood, and 7 is the flood.
A few things I find in this story:
A few things I find in this story:
- God provided for His people by allowing Adam additional children to carry on the blessing of being created (5:3).
- People used to live for a very, VERY long time (5:5, 8, 11, 14, 17, 20, 27), but only Enoch "walked with God; and he was not for God took him." That is quite a way to leave.
- If nothing else, I want to find favor in the eyes of God (6:8). Even though I am evil when I am sinful, "favor in the eyes of the Lord" would be something worth seeking.
- God was perfect in His creation, but he was also thorough in His destruction. Rain fell upon the earth for forty and days adnd forty nights (7:12), and then the waters "prevailed upon the earth" for another 150 days (7:24). "He blotted out every living thing that was upon the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky, and they were blotted out from the earth;" (7:24a). He was perfect in His creation of the world, but He was also thorough and persistent in destroying it.
- "and only Noah was left, together with those that were with him in the ark." (7:24b)
Behold the favor found in God's eyes.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Colossians and Genesis
Since my last post, I have finished the Gospel of Luke as well as moved on from my continuous study of the Sermon on the Mount. Now I am fixing most of my efforts on Colossians and Genesis. I've read through Colossians once, now, but I may re-read it, or not, I don't know, but I started Genesis this morning.
Chapter 1 and 2 of Genesis were intriguing. Mainly, what sticks out to me is the creation of man, the 6th day. We were created as good creatures, in the image of God, and yet on Sunday mornings I can't help but hear people talk about how "evil" and "undeserving" we are. Yes, I do believe man is broken and fractured because of the fall, but I also believe that long ago we used to be good. I believe Christ came to redeem Creation, all of it, and that includes restoring everything to its full glory in God. Our initial, most glorifying status as a created thing was to be in INCREDIBLE relationship with God, as He was in an INCREDIBLE relationship with Himself.
I will admit, I have a lot of questions. I don't know the answers to most of them, or how to find an answer to most of them. But I still have questions.
In other news, I am struggling. I am struggling in my relationships with many people. I thought I had several relationships nailed down some time ago, but this semester has been hard. This semester is a challenge to me. I'm having difficulty connecting with, connecting well with, and staying well connected to my close friends. And by close, I really mean anyone I might share any history with. I did a lot of thinking this weekend about this topic, and I don't know how I feel about it, nor how I feel about these friends of mine. I think I need help.
God is good, none of this has caught Him by surprise, so somewhere in the middle of all this is a way for me to be redeemed, and climb my way out. I don't know where that is, yet, but it's probably somewhere in the middle of all this mess.
Chapter 1 and 2 of Genesis were intriguing. Mainly, what sticks out to me is the creation of man, the 6th day. We were created as good creatures, in the image of God, and yet on Sunday mornings I can't help but hear people talk about how "evil" and "undeserving" we are. Yes, I do believe man is broken and fractured because of the fall, but I also believe that long ago we used to be good. I believe Christ came to redeem Creation, all of it, and that includes restoring everything to its full glory in God. Our initial, most glorifying status as a created thing was to be in INCREDIBLE relationship with God, as He was in an INCREDIBLE relationship with Himself.
I will admit, I have a lot of questions. I don't know the answers to most of them, or how to find an answer to most of them. But I still have questions.
In other news, I am struggling. I am struggling in my relationships with many people. I thought I had several relationships nailed down some time ago, but this semester has been hard. This semester is a challenge to me. I'm having difficulty connecting with, connecting well with, and staying well connected to my close friends. And by close, I really mean anyone I might share any history with. I did a lot of thinking this weekend about this topic, and I don't know how I feel about it, nor how I feel about these friends of mine. I think I need help.
God is good, none of this has caught Him by surprise, so somewhere in the middle of all this is a way for me to be redeemed, and climb my way out. I don't know where that is, yet, but it's probably somewhere in the middle of all this mess.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Luke 12; Matthew 5, 6, and 7; Philippians 1:1-20
This morning was heavier than usual, I suppose. I started off like always in Luke, all of chapter 12, and then re-read (3 times total now) the Sermon on the Mount, and then proceeded in Philippians.
What stuck out to me this morning I first found in Luke, then in Matthew, and it was confirmed again in Philippians. Picking up in Luke 12:22:
"22 And he said to his disciples, 'For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor worry for your body, as to what you put on. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! 25 And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? 26 If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?'"
Now, I'm a worrier. In case you didn't now that, I am. Not exactly a worry wart, that would be my precious little sister, but I do have the incredible tendency to build up ridiculously false scenarios in my mind, thus torturing myself for hours on end until the truth hits the fan. At this point, I usually realize that nothing I worried about ever came true. So when I read this verse, I feel like it's speaking to me. Maybe it is, but here's how I unpacked it earlier this morning.
To make what could be a long story short, my boss and my fellow intern at church and work have a very good relationship, unique to anything else I see there. Nowhere do I find such a sense of camaraderie between Minister and Intern at FBC Belton. But, because he is also my boss, a lot of the times I feel completely left out.
But this morning when I read Luke 12:24"Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds!" and Matthew 7:11, "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" something inside me just went nuts.
I realized that they have a relationship that I will never know, but that is okay. God has given to them the good gift of their relationship with one another, and that is for them to enjoy and for me to NOT covet. When I am wanting something God has not given me, then I am not wanting something God has given me. That is not to say that God does not want me to have a good relationship with my boss or my fellow intern, but that I should not be jealous of their relationship, and I should not hold anything against either of them because they get along so well. Now again, that is not to say that I am keeping score against them or am mounting my counter-attack on their relationship, but just that I should rejoice for them because they have found each other, and I believe that is what God has intended for them.
For me? I have incredible relationships with incredible students in and out of the college ministry of FBC Belton that they will never have. Not that they can't, but that God has allowed me to have these relationships and they are mine. There are some overlaps in our circles, but I should have as much reason to rejoice in my relationship with some of these other students, as they should in their relationship with each other, and as I should in their relationship with each other.
Maybe this is a bit lengthy, maybe this is a bit wordy and thus confusing, but I have reached a major breakthrough and crossed a major barrier between me and doing my God given job better. I'm happy, I'm rejoicing.
Thank you God, for feeding the ravens, and for giving me a gift.
What stuck out to me this morning I first found in Luke, then in Matthew, and it was confirmed again in Philippians. Picking up in Luke 12:22:
"22 And he said to his disciples, 'For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor worry for your body, as to what you put on. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! 25 And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? 26 If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?'"
Now, I'm a worrier. In case you didn't now that, I am. Not exactly a worry wart, that would be my precious little sister, but I do have the incredible tendency to build up ridiculously false scenarios in my mind, thus torturing myself for hours on end until the truth hits the fan. At this point, I usually realize that nothing I worried about ever came true. So when I read this verse, I feel like it's speaking to me. Maybe it is, but here's how I unpacked it earlier this morning.
To make what could be a long story short, my boss and my fellow intern at church and work have a very good relationship, unique to anything else I see there. Nowhere do I find such a sense of camaraderie between Minister and Intern at FBC Belton. But, because he is also my boss, a lot of the times I feel completely left out.
But this morning when I read Luke 12:24"Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds!" and Matthew 7:11, "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" something inside me just went nuts.
I realized that they have a relationship that I will never know, but that is okay. God has given to them the good gift of their relationship with one another, and that is for them to enjoy and for me to NOT covet. When I am wanting something God has not given me, then I am not wanting something God has given me. That is not to say that God does not want me to have a good relationship with my boss or my fellow intern, but that I should not be jealous of their relationship, and I should not hold anything against either of them because they get along so well. Now again, that is not to say that I am keeping score against them or am mounting my counter-attack on their relationship, but just that I should rejoice for them because they have found each other, and I believe that is what God has intended for them.
For me? I have incredible relationships with incredible students in and out of the college ministry of FBC Belton that they will never have. Not that they can't, but that God has allowed me to have these relationships and they are mine. There are some overlaps in our circles, but I should have as much reason to rejoice in my relationship with some of these other students, as they should in their relationship with each other, and as I should in their relationship with each other.
Maybe this is a bit lengthy, maybe this is a bit wordy and thus confusing, but I have reached a major breakthrough and crossed a major barrier between me and doing my God given job better. I'm happy, I'm rejoicing.
Thank you God, for feeding the ravens, and for giving me a gift.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Sermon on the Mount
This morning I read The Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5,6, and 7. All of it. Matthew 5,6, and 7.
I think I'm going to keep reading it until I find a way to "get it," or at least put into practice what I've been discovering and learning.
What interests me most is the correlations between Luke 11 (where I was this morning for my Luke devo) and The Sermon on the Mount (where I was this morning for my contenment devo).
I'm really enjoying it, and I would kind of like for some...challenges to come my way to put into practice these things, or at least some accountability on the part of another human being to check on me to make sure I'm doing these things. I can read all I want about being "blessed" or "happy," but there's a certain extent to which I need some other accountability than just myself.
Sorry if you were expecting some great new revelation, just today's commentary. Maybe tomorrow's will be better.
Thanks
I think I'm going to keep reading it until I find a way to "get it," or at least put into practice what I've been discovering and learning.
What interests me most is the correlations between Luke 11 (where I was this morning for my Luke devo) and The Sermon on the Mount (where I was this morning for my contenment devo).
I'm really enjoying it, and I would kind of like for some...challenges to come my way to put into practice these things, or at least some accountability on the part of another human being to check on me to make sure I'm doing these things. I can read all I want about being "blessed" or "happy," but there's a certain extent to which I need some other accountability than just myself.
Sorry if you were expecting some great new revelation, just today's commentary. Maybe tomorrow's will be better.
Thanks
Friday, July 25, 2008
Philippians 1:12-18
PREFACE
Currently I am reading through the Gospel of Luke, to better know Jesus' story, as well as the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) and Philippians in search of contentment.
"12 Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, 13 so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everone else..."
I read this and I think "Paul you've got to be kidding me. You're chained to the wall. You are locked up because you were preaching, and you begin by proclaiming how this is working out for the betterment for the gospel?"
Paul is in jail, and somehow he's managed to continue to witness the entire time. He's managed to share the good news of Christ with "everyone else," and he can't wait to tell the Christians in Philippi. I know if I were chained up, I don't think my first thought would be on how great this is for the gospel.
"14 and that most of the brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment, have far more couage to speak the word of God witout fear. Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also from good will; the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel; the former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice."
Currently I am reading through the Gospel of Luke, to better know Jesus' story, as well as the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) and Philippians in search of contentment.
"12 Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, 13 so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everone else..."
I read this and I think "Paul you've got to be kidding me. You're chained to the wall. You are locked up because you were preaching, and you begin by proclaiming how this is working out for the betterment for the gospel?"
Paul is in jail, and somehow he's managed to continue to witness the entire time. He's managed to share the good news of Christ with "everyone else," and he can't wait to tell the Christians in Philippi. I know if I were chained up, I don't think my first thought would be on how great this is for the gospel.
"14 and that most of the brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment, have far more couage to speak the word of God witout fear. Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also from good will; the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel; the former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice."
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