Bittersweet Symphony

I know that my other blog is the one which typically features music quotes as titles, but today is a bittersweet symphony for my life.

For a long time in my life, now, I have been struggling. Mainly, struggling with the joy of Jesus Christ. I have so longed for the joyfully fulfilling presence and blessing of Jesus in my life. This is a struggle that has led to many things: sin, prayer, frustrations, tears, awful curse words, a pouring over and over the scriptures looking for the blessing of Christ.

Lately, my struggle has been in my relationships with people. A few months ago, for a while, I had severe strife with a close close group of friends of mine, until it seemed like things would be turning around nearing the Aprilish time of year. The summer happened, and, pretty much, postponed all things to the start of school, at which things again went berserk beyond my control. For a while, I had joy and was managing successful relationships with these people, then I lost my joy.

Then came the anger. I was angry. For...weeks. In fact, I would almost be willing to say from the start of September until today the joy I experienced was very limited. I have felt very lonely, I have cultivated new friendships in an attempt to hold myself over in the meantime, I have suffered much in my heart and soul. My prayer was for a miracle, more or less. Forms of blessings came and went, but my anger still persisted until all I could say, all I knew any longer was that I was too angry for my own good. I was literally tearing myself up inside with my anger. I almost reached a breaking point about two weeks ago, but for fear of exposure and brokenness, I ran from it.
Then today.

Today I was broken. No, today I was shattered. The song by Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing," has been my prayer, and a personal maxim for me for MONTHS now, because things have been chaotic, or at least felt chaotic more often than not. Today, I heard it again, but it was like for the first time. Today, I sang with the song. Today, I prayed the song as my own and God shattered me. I have not been moved to tears over many things in a long time, but today I reset my clock. God reached out to me, He touched me while I was still dirty, while I was still unclean, and selfish, and crying, and hurting, and fractured, and in need, and He had love for me. God had mercy on me, on my soul, and with grace He loved me to the point of lifting up my head to see His face. The God of the universe, the God of "HEAR OH ISRAEL, THE LORD YOUR GOD. THE LORD IS ONE." That God. He loved me today. He broke me. He changed me.

My worship is fresh. My heart and spirit renewed. My love and intimacy restored. My vision clearer. Today, God loved me, broke me, and gave me a new life in Him and I DID NOT DESERVE IT!

I went to Jason, after this, and poured out appreciation and complements and gratitude, preceded only by apologies for having such a terrible attitude. Jason and I talked for a while, and I said to him that despite my work load, despite my daily tasks, he has served me in a tremendous way by allowing me to do almost NOTHING but busy work. By giving me mundane, task-oriented projects, my pride has been broken. My cockiness and self-assurance in myself has been restrained. If I was a wild, "buckin'" bronco, he harnessed me, and broke me of it, to use my cultivated talents, learned skills, and God-given gifts to be not only creative (I was already somewhat creative), but PRODUCTIVE! He was a tool in the hand of the craftsman as He chipped away at my tasteless rough edges.

And the amazing thing is, after being so broken and honest like this, God IS restoring me. He has already blessed me by allowing me the opportunity to teach again. Through Jason, again, He is now providing me the wonderful opportunity to rebuild from my brokenness to teach and preach and proclaim His Word. And I love it. I love it.

I don't pretend to think that this is the hurtle that has been holding me back from all the blessings God has for me (don't get me wrong, it just may be), but I do believe that this is a HUGE learning curve I am watching from the backside now, and God is blessing me for finally being broken before Him, in a posture of weakness. I don't even know how He did it, but I am so transformed, and expectant, and ready, and amazed, and blessed.

Thank you, God. I love you. I LOVE you.


--geoff